My girlfriend left me alone last night. I proved I could not be trusted. Left on my own, I sinned. This is what happened.

I was walking innocently around the neighborhood late yesterday afternoon when I smelled something cooking.  It was familiar, but I couldn’t quite identify it. It seemed to be coming from a certain street, so I turned onto it.

Immediately I remembered what it was. It was deep fried duck. I recognized the restaurant where I had eaten it before as soon as I turned the corner. They cook it in a pressurized deep fryer on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant. That’s why the aroma was so strong on the street.

I had eaten it a few weeks ago and it was so greasy and disgusting I felt sick through the next day. But it was soooo good.

I can not explain why, but I walked into the restaurant and sat down at the same table as before. The waiter remembered me and came over and said a few words. I ordered a half duck and a tiny bottle of “black beer.” The black beer is a clear liqueur that I thought might help cleanse the grease from my palate. It is served in airplane size liquor bottles.

It was early, about 17:00. The waiter told me they had just started cooking the duck and it would be a few minutes before it was ready. That was fine with me. I busied myself with my 125ml of black beer while typing a few emails on my laptop.

About 30 minutes after I sat down the duck arrived. It was served the typical Chinese way. It was a complete half a duck, including the head. It was cut up into pieces including the bones. I took a bite of the skin and felt the grease, oil, and fat oozing out into my mouth. I could feel my arteries closing. I thought I felt chest pains, but I continued to eat. It was like having sex with my girlfriend’s sister. So wrong, but impossible to stop.

I ate most of it, but couldn’t finish everything. In China the waiters do not clear anything from the table unless a plate is completely empty. Since I didn’t finish the duck, the plate was not cleared. But I was so disgusted I wanted the plate removed and called the waiter over to clear everything.

I lit up a Chinese cigar and ordered another black beer. I sat and smoked and drank for a while. The restaurant filled up around me with dinner diners. A table of six Chinese sat behind me and kept toasting me. A single Chinese man brought his plate of whole fish and greens over. Against my protests he spooned a bit of both into my bowl.  I usually enjoy these moments, but not this night. 

I felt I couldn’t get up because of the grease inside me, but somehow I did. I staggered home and went to bed about 20:30. I woke up a couple of hours later and was disappointed that it was not the next day.

With god as my witness, I will never eat deep friend duck again.

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