It just seems harder and harder these days for a man to find true love.

I used to find true love almost every night, but now I am often too busy or exhausted to find true love, and pay for it. True love costs the same as it used to with a little something-something for inflation. But after a hard day of work, sometimes I just want to catch-up on my Japanese porn and beer drinking and smoking. I don’t have time for true love, it seems.

I am a busy man; a lot of people depend on me as an employer and provider so there is always pressure in my life. Just today I imported several hundred hospital blankets which I got dirt cheap from Africa because they had been used for Ebola patients or something like that. I had Shorty tear off all the tags, which took him 72 hours nonstop and cost me $20 U.S. in wages, so he is that much closer to earning that prosthetic leg I promised him. And last week, I had to host a series of power point presentations explaining to a town why a radioactive dump next to their farms was actually a good thing for them.

Another reason I may have trouble finding true love, my doctor tells me, is because I am under a lot of pressure at home. Most of my wives are very needy and quarrel with one another constantly. Mei Mei and Ting Ting are the worst. Last month I bought Mei Mei a Hello-Kitty bicycle for her birthday and now Ting Ting wants one, too. I had to be firm and instruct Ting Ting that she cannot get a bicycle until she brings her grades up because she is falling behind. I have enough trouble at work. I should be expected to speak to my wives teachers too?

I just don’t know why it is so hard for a man to find true love these days, but I think part of the reason is because we live in difficult modern times full of pressures and responsibilities. Sometimes it is enough to make me go back to my old black-market arms dealing job. Oh, the sweet, sweet memories of the innocence of youth!