As a foreigner living in China, I try to do the right things. These are some things I have learned not to do.

1. I do not test the alarm systems on the cars at my building by rocking them at 02:00 when I stagger home drunk.

2. I do not offer to shake hands after blowing my nose by placing the same hand over my nostril and letting it rip.

3. I will no longer kill and cook my neighbors’ dog then invite them over for a “special dinner.”

4. I do not urinate in the fish tanks in front of my favorite seafood restaurant.

5. I have stopped “accidentally” missing the sweet spot when taking a shit in my neighbor’s squat toilet.

6. When having dinner with my friends, I do not note that most of what we are eating would be fed to dogs at home.

7. When I hear a neighbor beating his wife I do not say say, “She probably deserved it.”

8. I do not send garbage pickers on wild goose chases to find used Styrofoam or toilet paper.

9. I no longer give the local police a chilled watermelon “just in case.”

10. I do not point out that the words on my friends’ t-shirts are gibberish, and are misspelled anyway.

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