At the end of my afterrnoon walk yesterday I stopped in a cafe for a cold beer before returning home. After finishing the beer I went to the w.c. In the squat toilet was a giant, fresh looking, massive, steaming pile of shit.

It was perfectly formed and looked like the plastic piles you see for sale in joke stores, but was much larger.

My first thought was what kind of asshole would leave his unflushed shit in the toilet.

Then it occurred to me it might have been left because it was an almost perfect looking pile of shit and the depositor didn’t have the heart to despoil it with a flush. And indeed it was perfect. It looked like an ice cream cone from McDonald’s down to the little squiggle at the top.

But then I panicked. I became afraid the employees of the cafe would think I left it. What to do?

I have a very weak stomach so flushing it or manipulating it in any way was out of the question. Quickly I tried to think through my options.

If I tried to flush it I might be unsuccessful and create a mess that the employees would rightly blame me for. Also, I’m pretty sure I would have thrown up.

I considered calling a waiter to take care of it. But what would prevent him from thinking I was responsible for it in the first place? I had visions of the employees pointing and laughing as I walked through the cafe.

I felt it was a no win situation, so I quickly washed my hands and walked back to my table swinging them dry with exaggerated circular motions. I wanted everyone to think that washing my hands was all I did. And in fact I didn’t even take my piss, the desire to urinate left me. I gathered up my paper, glasses and pen then left the cafe.

I wonder if I will ever stop in that cafe again?