In the paper the past few days have been stories of a midwife who stitched closed the anus of her patient because she was dissatisfied with the tip she received for delivering a baby. This barbaric and shitty practice must end.

I have been looking for a charitable cause to donate my time, and I think ending the practice of anus stitching is a cause I can get behind. I will start a charitable foundation called Anus Stitching Stopped.

First of all, I will go to Washington and present my case for a grant from the government. This will be easy since congressmen value their anuses as a source for both thoughts and words. After securing a few million dollars, I’ll start a website where I will raise awareness of the problem and solicit more donations.

Hollywood celebrities are always on the lookout for new charities to endorse, so I’ll fly to Los Angeles and present my case to Angelina Jolie, Tom Hanks and Madonna. Surely at least one of them give their endorsement. With Tom Hanks’ endorsement I will wipe up in donations to the website.

Hopefully Tom Hanks and I will fly to areas of the world where anus stitching is most common for photo opps with victims. I will post the pics on my website, more donations will pour in. My foundation will be flush.

Once established as a major problem in the consciousness of the world, I will start a museum of anus stitching, probably in New York. In the museum I will have pictures and displays showing of the horrors of anus stitching. The museum will display tools and methods used throughout history in stitching the anus. Stitching patterns used around the world will be compared. Perhaps even an interactive display of some kind can be set up so children can pretend to stitch an anus.

In the future as my foundation becomes rich I will endow scholarships in proctology at favored universities.

I think I am on to something big.