My New Best Friend

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In today’s email I got this note:

Hello My Dear

My name is Mis Cindy Cooper,a tall good looking young girl,so lovely and caring with good understanding, fair in complexion, care with good sharing,honesty.I saw your profile here (ShenzhenParty.com) which interested me much and i decided to contact you.I really want to have a good friendship with you even if you have married we can be friends,i have a reason of selecting you as my friend,please if you wish to know more.Please contact me through this my e-mail address We need to talk and know ourself more and equally share pictures to each other.hope to hear from you.

Please reply me with my e-mail address here
Yours New Friend

Miss Cindy,

I was very happy and relpied immediately:

Dear Cindy,

Thank you for your kind email. I am very lonely. I do not have a job and live under a stairwell in an alley. My few friends have deserted me. I would like to meet you. Maybe you can come and visit me at my hovel.

I don’t have a camera so I can’t send pics of myself. I used to have a camera, but it was stolen by a gang of young kids after they beat me and urinated on me while I lay helpless in the street. Several months ago I sold my computer to buy alcohol so now I have to go to the internet cafe to use one. I am usually online between 13:00-14:00 every day.

Please send me some pics of yourself, preferably naked. My dick doesn’t get hard any more, probably because of malnutrition, drug use, and unsanitary living conditions. Maybe some of your pictures will help.

By the way, do you know anyone looking for a worker? My most recent job experience was scooping swill oil from behind KFCs. I was quite good at it, but had to quit after I caught myself on fire while smoking. I am willing to do most anything and am a fast learner.

You new best friend,

Charles

So far I haven’t heard back from Cindy. I am hoping we can become friends, maybe more.

How To Be An Evil Foreigner in China

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1. Have sex with YCGs (young Chinese girls), create mixed-blood babies and then employ both of them in your sweatshop.

2. Run sweatshops. Burn down sweatshops to collect fire insurance and sell (unscorched) mixed-blood babies to Brangelina. Melt the rest into soap.

3. Go on CCTV during the Spring Festival holiday program and helicopter the audience.

4. Whenever someone asks for a passport sized photo of you present them a picture of you giving yourself “Chinese eyes” by pulling your eyes apart. And flash the V sign.

5. Buy an antique teapot and then publicly relieve yourself in it.

6. Buy a red stamp and red stamp approve all your official paperwork and documents yourself.

7. Call everyone you meet “Mr. Wang.” If there name really is Mr. Wang, call them “Mr. Dong.”

8. Import diseased blankets; try to barter with local businessmen by offering them beads. Act as if everyone is a savage.

9. Create a false identity; give yourself a Harvard diploma and a license to practice surgery. Never miss a chance to practice surgery on unsuspecting elderly people just for laughs.

10. Steal money from the blind beggar on the corner and kick him in the nuts when he (ha-ha)isn’t looking.

11. Practice your boxing skills on homeless people.

12. Buy a mine and pay miners pennies on the hour just to see how deep they can dig into the earth.

13. Go to temple and eat all the fruit out of the offering bowls in front of the Buddha.

15. Never miss an opportunity to confuse Japanese with Chinese. Say yen instead of yuan. When someone says, “yen is Japanese” reply, “Meh, like there’s a difference.

16. Have sex with OCGs and say, “Hey, you must have been hot stuff during the Cultural Revolution!”

17. Marry YCGs just to have sex with them; then leave them. When they mention the marriage license, reply, “Meh, that’s just paperwork.”

18. If someone spits on the floor punch them in the cock or pussy and claim “It’s just my culture. You don’t understand!”

19. Clothesline couples walking together hand in hand. Try to set traps for elderly people like oil slicks and holes covered with leaves.

20. Secretly find out if your neighbors hate eating dog. Then invite them over for some “Western food.” Feed them a dog casserole. When the meal is over, tell them it is dog. More to the point, it is THEIR dog. When they get angry, feign ignorance and reply, “What? I don’t understand. I thought Chinese liked to eat dogs!”

21. Make fun of poor English and sappy YCG blogs about love.

22. Write sappy blogs about love to entice YCGs.

23. When asked, give Chinese people English names like Lucifer, Adolph and Scrotum.

24. Send your maid to the rooftop to do laundry during a lightning storm and then take bets from your friends.

25. Punch someone and then run inside your embassy.

26. If your secretary has piss-poor English gift her with a T-shirt that says: I AM A BITCH and tell her it is the latest fashion.

27. Leave sticks of dynamite lying about the neighborhood during New Year’s Eve.

28. Allow Chinese friends to take you to dinner or KTV and pay for everything then never call them again.

29. Invite neighbors over for some “Western cooking” and serve them your feces. Tell them it is your mother’s recipe and you will be heartbroken if they don’t like it.

30. Give YCGs lucky money red envelopes with a gift certificate inside for a free mustache ride.

31. Fart in the faces of meditating monks.

32. Demand fortune cookies after your meals.

33. Go to Windows of the World and piss or crap on the countries you don’t like.

34. Show your passport like a diplomat and just walk through ticket lines without paying.

35. Act like you own McDonalds.

36. Scream at Starbucks workers for giving you a plastic knife and a fork with your sandwich.

37. Tell every woman you meet you love her. Try to keep a straight face.

38. Go trick-or-treating in July and demand your neighbors to give you candy.

39. Tea-bag the women in your office during their mid-afternoon nap. Post the pics on the Internet. Cut holes in your pants for fast, easy-access tea-bagging.

40. Head-butt whoever is standing there when the elevator doors open.

41.Pretend to speak in tongues whenever someone tries to communicate with you in Chinese.

42. Hold contests in your sweatshop between the workers to make them work faster. The winner gets to take a break. Send them to wash your car during their break. The losers lose a days pay.

43.Contact churches in your country and ask the congregation to raise money for poor Chinese children and then use the money to gamble and buy prostitutes.

44. Dress up like a Qing dynasty official and try to give your elderly neighbors heart attacks by jumping out at them from the darkness.

45. Buy a crematorium; go into the soap and wax making business.

46. Look a YCG’s boyfriend up and down and then ask her if she got a free toaster with the skinny midget.

47. Buy poor people’s souls and try to sell them on Ebay or Alibabab.

48. Employ a poor person to put your cigar out in his palm (when you want to make a point)

49. Hire a poor person to be your bodyguard and then kick his ass on a daily basis.

50. Show up.

10 Reasons to Hate the French

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1. They think a good movie is 2 hours of three old men talking over dinner.

2. They think French music is music.

3. The don’t appreciate cheerleaders.

4. A hairy mole is considered a mark of beauty.

5. They consider a giant glass pyramid art, and a steel tower an engineering achievement.

6. Personal hygiene is not a high priority.

7. French women only want to have sex once a day.

8. They smoke.

9. Their sense of importance far out strips their record of accomplishment.

10. An army of bakers is a higher national priority than an army of soldiers.

Who Voted for This Guy?

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By now everyone has seen the video of Rep. Hank Johnson (D-Ga) making his idiotic statement about Guam tipping over and capsizing. Everyone has had a good laugh at this moron’s expense. He earned and deserved the ridicule he has received.

Later his office issued a statement saying the congressman was just joking. Sure.

I have a question about the voters who put this guy in office. They have to be dumber than he is. There must be a pocket of serious stupidity somewhere in Georgia. Sadly, I suspect he will be re-elected as often as he chooses to run. I’m sure the people who sent him to Washington are very proud.

Turn Up the Stupidity and Send Your Tax Dollars. Washington Is at Work.

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I just read this story in the Washington Times. It left me speechelss at the stupidity of the subject, the vacuousness politicians and bureaucrats involved, and at the Times for wasting space and resources reporting on such meaningless drivel.

This is what goes on in Washington. To think that taxpayers are funding this type of thing is infuriating one one level, humourous on another. I am at a loss for words

Basically, the story is that the computer models were not generating the desired results, so Vilsack and the gang directed that the models be changed so the correct results are produced. It reminds me of methods used by the British climate scientists.

I have deleted some of the more fatuous paragraphs from the story.

Headline: Plan to turn farms into forest worries Obama official

Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack has ordered his staff to revise a computerized forecasting model that showed that climate legislation supported by President Obama would make planting trees more lucrative than producing food.

Tom Vilsack. Occupation: Computer Genius

The latest Agriculture Department economic-impact study of the climate bill, which passed the House this summer, found that the legislation would profit farmers in the long term. But those profits would come mostly from higher crop prices as a result of the legislation’s incentives to plant more forests and thus reduce the amount of land devoted to food-producing agriculture.

According to the economic model used by the department and the Environmental Protection Agency, the legislation would give landowners incentives to convert up to 59 million acres of farmland into forests over the next 40 years. The reason: Trees clean the air of heat-trapping gases better than farming does.

“If landowners plant trees to the extent the model suggests, this would be disruptive to agriculture in some regions of the country,” he said.

He said the Forest and Agricultural Sector Optimization Model (FASOM), created by researchers at Texas A&M University, does not take into account other provisions in the House-passed bill, which would boost farmers’ income while they continue to produce food. Those omissions, he said, cause the model to overestimate the potential for increased forest planting.

Mr. Vilsack said he has directed his chief economist to work with the EPA to “undertake a review of the assumptions in the FASOM model, to update the model and to develop options on how best to avoid unintended consequences for agriculture that might result from climate change legislation.”

But the economic forecast predicts that nearly 80 percent of the offsets would be earned through the planting of trees, mostly in the Midwest, the South and the Plains states.

The model projects that reduced farm production will cause food prices to rise by 4.5 percent by 2050 compared with a scenario in which no legislation is passed, the department found.

“That’s one of the realities of cap-and-trade legislation. The biggest bang for your buck for carbon credits is planting trees,” she said.

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2009/dec/29/forests-vs-food-study-worries-agriculture-chief/

Your Kids’ Art Sucks

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If you work in an office with lots of people, chances are that you work with a person who hangs pictures up that their kids have drawn. The pictures are always of some stupid flower or a tree with wheels. These pictures suck; I could draw pictures much better. In fact, I can spell, do math and run faster than your kids. So being that my skills are obviously superior to those of children, I’ve taken the liberty to judge artwork done by other kids on the Internet.

I’ll be assigning a grade A through F for each piece:

Megan, age 4

First of all, I don’t even know what this is. If it’s supposed to be a dog, then it’s the shittiest dog I’ve ever seen. F

————————————————————————————————————————- Kyle, age 8

You spelled America wrong asshole. Also, I could have sworn America’s colors were red, white and blue. There’s no yellow anywhere, traitor. F

————————————————————————————————————————- Lisa, age 6

Holy shit, I almost had a seizure when I saw this one. Three words: too many colors. Also, eggs aren’t supposed to have ears, dipshit. Grade – F

————————————————————————————————————————- Cameron, age 4

Terrible. F

————————————————————————————————————————- Bryce, age 10

This one wouldn’t be too bad if the color was kept inside the lines, you picked a new perspective, used non-abrasive colors and asked someone with talent to paint it for you. On one hand I want to give an A for effort but… F

————————————————————————————————————————- Jon, age 8

Ding Ding! Here comes the shit-mobile. I’ve never seen a fire truck that needed to be shaved. I would rather be burned to death than be saved by this hairy piece of shit. F

————————————————————————————————————————- Rachel, age 7

That’s interesting; everyone in this picture is white. Even the rainbow is white. Perhaps in an ideal world, everyone would be white isn’t that right, Rachel? Or should I call you RACIST? Nice try, Hitler. F

————————————————————————————————————————- Jason, age 6

This one would receive an “A” if the assignment was to throw as much random shit onto a paper as poorly as you can. I’ve pissed patterns on snow that look more coherent than this. F

————————————————————————————————————————- Seth, age 4

Vrrrroooooooooooommmmmm! Grade: F

————————————————————————————————————————- Kelly, age 9

This was a Christmas gift from Kelly to her parents. Good job Kelly, now pack up your shit and find a foster home. If my kids tried to pass this off as a gift, they’d come home from school and find all their shit outside in a box. What a lousy gift, seriously. You give them video games and toys, and they give you some half-assed drawing with a crooked tree. I wonder how much a gift like this would set someone back. Five, maybe ten minutes to find a napkin and some markers? F

I Enjoy Comedy. Here Are My 10 Favorites.

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1. Bill Murray. My favorite comedic actor. He has perfected deadpan humor.

2. Dave Berry. Comedic writer. His columns show his brilliance at the comedy of the unexpected.

3. Howard Stern. The most brilliant satirist ever. In a single 4 hour radio show Howard is better than a year of Twain or Mencken.

4. The Three Stooges. Slapstick perfected.

5. Woody Allen. Dark comedy as seen through the eyes of the nebbish that is in all of us.

6. Anne Coulter. Political farce from the right

7. Jon Stewart. Political comedy from the left. Funnier than Coulter, but he looses a few points because he is often mean.

8. Benny Hill. A cross between the Three Stooges, Bill Murray and Woody Allen. Never get tired of re-runs of his shows.

9. Craig Ferguson. The best monologues ever delivered on US TV

10. Steven Wright. The best stand up comic. His is the comedy of the absurd.

HONORABLE MENTION

11. The person who invented long, pointy toed shoes. I call them clown shoes. I first saw this style in Paris about 10 years ago. Had a good laugh, but it turned out that the laugh was on me. They are still being worn today.

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