1. Have sex with YCGs (young Chinese girls), create mixed-blood babies and then employ both of them in your sweatshop.
2. Run sweatshops. Burn down sweatshops to collect fire insurance and sell (unscorched) mixed-blood babies to Brangelina. Melt the rest into soap.
3. Go on CCTV during the Spring Festival holiday program and helicopter the audience.
4. Whenever someone asks for a passport sized photo of you present them a picture of you giving yourself “Chinese eyes” by pulling your eyes apart. And flash the V sign.
5. Buy an antique teapot and then publicly relieve yourself in it.
6. Buy a red stamp and red stamp approve all your official paperwork and documents yourself.
7. Call everyone you meet “Mr. Wang.” If there name really is Mr. Wang, call them “Mr. Dong.”
8. Import diseased blankets; try to barter with local businessmen by offering them beads. Act as if everyone is a savage.
9. Create a false identity; give yourself a Harvard diploma and a license to practice surgery. Never miss a chance to practice surgery on unsuspecting elderly people just for laughs.
10. Steal money from the blind beggar on the corner and kick him in the nuts when he (ha-ha)isn’t looking.
11. Practice your boxing skills on homeless people.
12. Buy a mine and pay miners pennies on the hour just to see how deep they can dig into the earth.
13. Go to temple and eat all the fruit out of the offering bowls in front of the Buddha.
15. Never miss an opportunity to confuse Japanese with Chinese. Say yen instead of yuan. When someone says, “yen is Japanese” reply, “Meh, like there’s a difference.
16. Have sex with OCGs and say, “Hey, you must have been hot stuff during the Cultural Revolution!”
17. Marry YCGs just to have sex with them; then leave them. When they mention the marriage license, reply, “Meh, that’s just paperwork.”
18. If someone spits on the floor punch them in the cock or pussy and claim “It’s just my culture. You don’t understand!”
19. Clothesline couples walking together hand in hand. Try to set traps for elderly people like oil slicks and holes covered with leaves.
20. Secretly find out if your neighbors hate eating dog. Then invite them over for some “Western food.” Feed them a dog casserole. When the meal is over, tell them it is dog. More to the point, it is THEIR dog. When they get angry, feign ignorance and reply, “What? I don’t understand. I thought Chinese liked to eat dogs!”
21. Make fun of poor English and sappy YCG blogs about love.
22. Write sappy blogs about love to entice YCGs.
23. When asked, give Chinese people English names like Lucifer, Adolph and Scrotum.
24. Send your maid to the rooftop to do laundry during a lightning storm and then take bets from your friends.
25. Punch someone and then run inside your embassy.
26. If your secretary has piss-poor English gift her with a T-shirt that says: I AM A BITCH and tell her it is the latest fashion.
27. Leave sticks of dynamite lying about the neighborhood during New Year’s Eve.
28. Allow Chinese friends to take you to dinner or KTV and pay for everything then never call them again.
29. Invite neighbors over for some “Western cooking” and serve them your feces. Tell them it is your mother’s recipe and you will be heartbroken if they don’t like it.
30. Give YCGs lucky money red envelopes with a gift certificate inside for a free mustache ride.
31. Fart in the faces of meditating monks.
32. Demand fortune cookies after your meals.
33. Go to Windows of the World and piss or crap on the countries you don’t like.
34. Show your passport like a diplomat and just walk through ticket lines without paying.
35. Act like you own McDonalds.
36. Scream at Starbucks workers for giving you a plastic knife and a fork with your sandwich.
37. Tell every woman you meet you love her. Try to keep a straight face.
38. Go trick-or-treating in July and demand your neighbors to give you candy.
39. Tea-bag the women in your office during their mid-afternoon nap. Post the pics on the Internet. Cut holes in your pants for fast, easy-access tea-bagging.
40. Head-butt whoever is standing there when the elevator doors open.
41.Pretend to speak in tongues whenever someone tries to communicate with you in Chinese.
42. Hold contests in your sweatshop between the workers to make them work faster. The winner gets to take a break. Send them to wash your car during their break. The losers lose a days pay.
43.Contact churches in your country and ask the congregation to raise money for poor Chinese children and then use the money to gamble and buy prostitutes.
44. Dress up like a Qing dynasty official and try to give your elderly neighbors heart attacks by jumping out at them from the darkness.
45. Buy a crematorium; go into the soap and wax making business.
46. Look a YCG’s boyfriend up and down and then ask her if she got a free toaster with the skinny midget.
47. Buy poor people’s souls and try to sell them on Ebay or Alibabab.
48. Employ a poor person to put your cigar out in his palm (when you want to make a point)
49. Hire a poor person to be your bodyguard and then kick his ass on a daily basis.
50. Show up.